Around what do we circumnavigate?
Colors, seasons, passions, family
Or perhaps a cornucopia of
Screens
The flow of validation
Where we document the
Colors, seasons, passions, family
Assuring ourselves
They happened
They matter
And why should we feel shame
For wanting to remember
And wanting to be seen.
We must turn away from the closest star
To see a universe brimming with them
We breathe the night
To break from consciousness
To process verisimilitudes of existence
To enter non existing worlds
We hide in shadows cast by knowing
But we can never hide from what's in our heads
We run and lose and get lost, but
The embrace of moon, the reflection of sol
Even when we cannot see it
Leads us back
Here
Now.
Searching We wake up Searching We reach for our devices Searching We scroll We click We process Picking and choosing Information A haphazard conglomeration of Cultivated lives Authenticity A bendable fading truth Real life It's somewhere out there Not in here.
Sometimes Depression Hits her like A freight train It's her own fault She lies on the Tracks Waiting for The force Surrendering To the pain Risking Everything for A chance at Heaven.
This is where we landOn the edge of today The cusp of Tomorrow Where hope crashes Against now And thoughts manifest In real time Along the map Of desire Latitudes of beginnings Longitudes of endings No finish line Only circles No score Only love When your feet ache Sit on the earth Let her hold you When you're hungry Eat Then eat again When you're sad Look up Drink something Sparkly When you're tired Sleep Say no Say yes Say Whatever You Damn Well Please; You are alive You can Dance Kiss Throw your arms Around the nearest Beating heart You won't live forever So live Now.
I see so much wrongWith us Does this make me A bad person? Why do I think We are supposed to be Good? What is good? What are we but Crazy Beautiful Infallible Endearing Predictable Operating to uphold Nonsensical beliefs Dismissing signs as Happy happenstances Forgetting the Light-filled person We were born to be Calcified by layers Of lies While the cure Lives within The tender truth Contained in the Seat of the soul Would we rather be Uncomfortable or Unhappy? Are we living Or are we Dying?
I have two good legsI hardly notice them I love my husband I always want more from him I adore my kids Sometimes I don't like them They are the only reason I know for sure I matter Sometimes I get sick But I am strong And smart and beautiful And insecure I am wasted space A tangled mess of power Pushing without organization Working without focus Deficient of attention Pulling knots tighter Not looser I am angry And I am grateful Blessings Can be curses Hope can do nothing If we don't lean upon it We are trapped Between narrow perspectives Like a tiny ant Searching for sustenance In the middle of a football field Where all directions look the same And he runs Away from the food Away from the others Because he doesn't know. He doesn't know. I don't know either.
I open to Acceptance / Being enough / Needing not stuff the spaces between moments with nothing but joy
I open to
Ease / Sitting with pain looking directly at beauty / The glare like summer sun
I open to
Abundance / The evidence of opportunity compelling creation / The responsibility of privilege, the privilege of responsibility
I open to
Expansion / Honing thoughts with presence / Exploring new frontiers in the galaxy of the mind
I open to
Angels / Communing over cups of faith and faerie dust / Commonplace miracles
I open to
Serendipity / Intuition embodied by spacious possibility / Guidance from the nuances of oxygen
I open to
Sunlight / The heat of it piercing pregnant clouds / The completeness of a circle.
I'm still learning who I am
A woman
With boyish handwriting
A voracious appetite
Nothing is ever enough
I want to shake harder
Sleep more but lie supine less
Do more
Be more
Dare I say have more
Know more
Write more
Back when I drank
Drink more.
A woman
Open to womanhood
As a map
To joy.
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I went outside and it smelled so good. I stood on a cinder block and danced to the music piped into my ears. I felt the morning sun heat up my face and my baby strapped warm against my core. Nine months inside of me, nine months next to me. I looked across rooftops, trees, water, past bridges past mountains, my gaze settling on the sky.
I danced and I knew happiness. I felt free.
Until I realized that anyone in my neighbor's laundry room could see me. They could be laughing at me. They could think I was crazy, or high, or both. A lot of people live in that house. They could be watching me the way I watch them folding laundry at night, not purposefully but because we are right in one another's line of vision. I sit at my computer, facing a window with a view. But at night the waters and mountains and trees fade to black, leaving only the illuminated window of their laundry room.
I stepped down from the cinderblock. The floating bridge in the distance disappeared behind houses.
I walked around the perimeter of my yard again. I want to memorize it now, in case I ever move. I know I will not live in this house forever. But I have grown attached to these walls where I've raised children and birthed a baby and loved a man and wrote words.
If the universe wants me to move, I will follow. If the earth wants me to feel my feet upon it, I will dance. If spirit wants me to play, I will dream.
Look for me out your window. I'm not afraid of being seen.
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Opening feels like a cobweb of cracks around my soul.
As if I am a piece of glass and I have dropped myself onto concrete.
Not out of carelessness but because I am living and the risk inherent in living is breaking.
Light leaks through
Widening the gaps but also filling them in with the possibility of morning.
Who will I be today?
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My heart swings open.
They climb inside
Squirm
Get comfortable
It sounds like
The womb
Smells like
Heaven
Looks like
Beauty
Feels like
Somewhere hurt can't find
An invisible cloak
Of soft supple folds
Bound together
With a sheath of power
A gauzy squeeze
Ripped with bruises
Grasping
Gasping
For time
All they do is grow
Bloom
They are never the same
From one minute
To the next.
Neither am I.
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Wilting majesty.
Reaches deep into earth.
History etched into her rings.
Reminds us how young our years and shallow our roots.
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Here.
Where I spent time spent money
wasted time wasted money.
Four blurry years wandering.
Searching. Lost. Finding. Found.
Seven years ago I walked away with a degree
I hope I never use again
Friends I hope I have forever.
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my full moon super powers--
Fly. See all of creation from up there. Skip through space to embody unknown dimensions. Walk to the other side of this planet. Understand the nature of beauty. Feel history as it pulses under my skin. Read a book by picking it up. Traverse the highway of time. Float. Levitate. Hover. Become everyone at once. Speak without words. Communicate across blank spaces. Shapeshift. Tumble through clouds. Read my heart aloud. Hold conviction as strong as the ocean. See God in the looking glass. Memorize the map engraved upon the deepest layer of spirit. Live the loftiest existence of my soul's imagination. Catch my baby's cries with unconditional kisses. Hold them forever. Grant grandiose wishes with the wink of my eye. Erase conflict with the nod of my head. Become the wind. Exhale abundance. Hear the echoes of animals. Unpeel the scars of living. Disappear. Reappear. Remember. Turn inside out. Show my insides to the kindred. Love all the children. Breathe in the babies. The crown of each head. Wrap my arms around the ocean. Unwrap the meaning of now. Sit in the stillness of sun. Bloom. Keep faith between my fingers, always close to my fingertips. Intuit without doubting. Play life like a movie. Slow motion. Rewind. Fast forward. Repeat. Open. Heart, mind, soul. Of infinite boundaries.
Photo credit: Alisha Sommer
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The nightsThey burn My eyes Open Midnight possibility I dip into dreams That stop without Ending Until I give in to day An empty wakefulness
Should I discard the compulsion to do?
Break out from the shell of expectation
Shed this comfort of protection, this belief I'm doing fine as long as I'm moving
Could it be about finding stillness instead?
Like the tree whose great heights come from standing still.
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I know enough to know
That perfection is fleeting
Misleading
And things could fall apart
If we turn our backs
For a second too long
Tsunamis start
Long before land turns to sea
Hence vigilance
Warning systems carefully constructed
No one will protect you
But you.
Break away from
A static hold
Set the alarm
Lock the door
Leave the house
Adventure outward
Lose your way
Lose the key
Break in through the window
You know the code
No one can keep you out
But you.
When I wear these shoes the earth feels soft beneath my feet
the pieces of me that won't be confined are free to be broken.
